Leaps and Bounds

Being the age that I am, I thought building blocks, Tinker Toys, Lincoln Logs, and other manipulatives were stored in my attic for future generations.  Who knew that I would still be building towers; although this tower is an imaginary one dictated by Mother Nature and my connection to her.

The animal totem is a surviving symbol of ancient cultures.  I believe it’s a tool which represents a bridge to the natural world. I believe the spirits of the totem are personal and deliberate in the several messages derived by the embodiment of carefully carved likenesses.

For me, I have a two-tiered one, but I’m newly on my spiritual journey and in hopes of discovering more.

The base of my totem is a toad.  Well, I think it’s the base because it was the first spirit to cross my path.  It represents change.

Earlier this week, a rabbit appeared and it was not entirely out of place given its early spring, my lawn is overgrown and it was apparently hungry. Maybe I got it wrong and it wasn’t the rabbit appearing, but rather me, from my car.  There aren’t choices of pathways from my driveway to front door, unless you count going around the front of the car as opposed to the trunk end.  I guess I could have gone through the garage, but that’s not the part of the house I wanted to enter.

The evening had been spent out of town with a group of published and soon to be published, local writers.  I found them on a social network and hoped to connect with like-minded creative persons.  The primary focus of the group is to offer critiques, insights, comments, direction…and all things positive to encourage our inner voice permission to speak.  Putting words to paper is a thoughtful and sometimes tenacious process; at least it is for me.  I spend as much time hitting the “backspace” and “delete” buttons as the other 70 something possibilities on my keyboard. So now, I’m engaged in the process… with witnesses.

Returning home, I was full of hope and planned to sit awhile and edit.  I don’t know why I looked down, but I did and the rabbit sat motionless as if it sensed my person to be a threat.  I’m not a threat unless you have grown 6 other legs or don’t have legs and slither.

I passed it, turned around and gazed at it and came inside to call for my daughter to come out and validate my sighting.  She did.  We stood.  We smiled and she knew instinctively to go and get the book “Animal Speaks, by Ted Andrews, as surely I would want to know why it was there.

Here’s what I read (in summary).  The rabbit or hare represents the concept of being according to the Greeks.  It is one of the 12 Chinese astrological signs and embodies the power of the moon. If a rabbit totem shows up, you can begin to see a cycle of 28 days beginning to manifest in your life. (The cycle of 28 days is all things lunar). It can lead one unknowingly into the realm of the faeries. It procreates and its fleetness is a virtue of survival. The hare has an innate sense of defense…it creates forms to hide and never foreshadows its movements, being aware of predators. They shift from freezing to great speed and this skill should be gleaned by those with this animal totem as it will enable one to take advantage of opportunities which may only present themselves for brief moments. They are still, they listen and they are intensely in tune with the environment.

Now, what to do? Again, I find that my life is being orchestrated from beyond. Thankfully, I am availing my soul unrestrained direction.  Responsibility is another person’s burden.  Not mine.

Can I just be?  Shall I engage to strip all my senses of what I perceive to be truth? Is it time for the universal truth to redefine me? I think perhaps it is.

I will quite my soul and follow the hare.  His presence was a gift to remind me of endless possibilities.  His presence gives me the courage to take chances; for survival is not predestined, it’s a quest taken in leaps and bounds.

An Agnostic's Retreat

On the way to a Memorial Day family outing, I posed the following question to my companions in the car:  “Is there a monastery for the Agnostic?”  Silence ensued as they tried to figure out where, in left field, did this question come from…

Well, I was just thinking that I need to get away…far away…maybe another planet somewhere.  My life is complex, complicated and I never can catch my breath.

I should be feeling free and able to focus, seeing that I just penned my resignation letter to the Hospital Auxiliary.  That one less item on my daily agenda should have allowed me time to regroup as I have volunteered too many unproductive hours in the past two and one half years.

I have a flaw…just realized in the first person sense.  Others have tried to explain this personality blemish, but I was not ready to receive the diagnosis.  Now I realize that I can’t see the forest because of the trees. I am forever detail, detail, fix, more details to sort, etc.

I can’t seem to just do what I can and let the rest go…flow into the streams of the unimportant and insignificant details of life.

Blaming my way to early introduction to Astrology and learning all about capriciousness and Capricorn ways, I always prided myself in solving the minuscule errors in others. Rules, rules, rules… I am all about the following of, establishing of and changing (if no longer applicable) of rules.  Maybe it’s time to stop.

My thinking is that if I remove myself from everything familiar and just exist, the cobwebs will clear, my heart will stop racing and peace will find a pathway in.

Problem is where to go?

A commune might be appropriate; everyone sharing an equitable part in the running of such an organization.  But there is that word “organization” which stirs the possibility of hierarchy and then my perspective on how well those in charge are really doing.

Well, how about an artist’s retreat?  That would be interesting at least and the shared excitement about the creative process would keep me focused. But the possibility of a well- intentioned criticism might prove to be the fly in the ointment.

Won’t attempt anything remotely religious, can’t be tethered to a limited view of the universe.  I already know my purpose…I am a creative soul.  I create and release, the reciprocal bond is inherent and unending.

I know I was born into the wrong decade…just a few years earlier and I could have satisfied my longing for nirvana in the 1960’s and joined in the flower power mind set.  I’m trying to do that now, but opportunities just don’t appear often in this Bible belt region of this country.

So, my effort will be ongoing.  I am displaced from myself and I feel it in my gut and aching and tenseness.  I am in the wrong place at the right time.

Sanctuary must be a wonderful state of mind.  Some people find it in the material offerings of society.  Places, buildings, writings, great music, artistic endeavors left by generations before mine offer respite to the weary.

If you researched the principal personalities responsible for the greatest works afore mentioned, would you be surprised to learn that they were tortured souls?

Centuries of men and women driven by inexplicable forces to create.  I don’t want that experience.  I don’t want to be used up and incarcerated in my own mind.

Where does the Agnostic release the constraints of social pressures?  Where does one exist and not become unnecessarily self -reliant, living with the beasts, wild and free?

The answer will come, at a future intersection of my predestined pathway. In the meantime, I will continue to rid myself of responsibilities to others and allow the gifts from beyond to beckon at my proverbial door.

Semantics

The Universe will communicate if you listen and do not anticipate timing as the key element of your messages.

In my journey, I am in flux as most are of my age. I find that I am in that category of the sandwich generation, waiting for the inevitable…children to leave with half my garage in boxes and the in-laws deciding their next move.

So while I muddle around, the current popular topic in conversations I have with myself is escape.  Runaway, leave, skedaddle, vamoose. 

To prepare for this, I must redefine and let go. No big deal, I tell myself.  I can do this in stages.  Formulate a plan, execute the plan, and congratulate me on the job well done.

In a roundabout and unexpected way, I received the first green light yesterday.

I was deep in retail therapy before joining my bestest friend, Diana for lunch.

Having just half an hour of free time, I parked at the mall and went in for nothing in particular, but as the minutes ticked by, I realized I needed bras and jeans.

Found jeans in a lovely dove gray and two of the other.  I was concentrating on cup size, color didn’t matter as I never buy panties to match. My shopping spree did not break my allowance, I felt energized and hurried to the restaurant.

Nice long lunch, where she shared that she found her purpose. It came to her in a dream Valentine’s Day weekend. She had read an article in a magazine about flower farming.  The details of her passion flowed and entertained the duration of our ninety minutes together.  She was radiant.  I was jealous.

The rest of my day was just awful. The message center “blew up” on the dashboard on the way home…said “anti- lock, service engine soon”. I had a cell phone in hand and called my service center and asked for a definition.  I was told there COULD BE A PROBLEM, COME RIGHT IN.

I was in the waiting area with keys in hand within ten minutes of my frantic call.

I was in the waiting area without my keys for the next 4 hours.  Stupid ass car.

The message center did not repeat for the mechanic even after 20 minutes of driving hooked to a computer. But they did find two problems, which if not attended, would leave the car unmovable for the duration of the lien against it.  I was offered five bucks, almost took him up on it.

Well, about dinner thirty, I pulled into the driveway.  Too tired to rumble through the fridge, I invited family out to dinner.  I was certain, that the car would make it to the restaurant…$800 in repair was as good a guarantee as I could ascertain.

Dinner was lovely, “Lobsterfest” and wine proved a much-needed distraction from the eternal afternoon seated in a room with strangers and car parts.

Home again, I started to put the new clothes away and that, of course, entails removing price tags, labels, etc. “Minimizer” the word caught my attention.  On one hand, I gloated over the fact that I had grown curvy enough to necessitate such a garment.  On the other, it was the single command I needed to begin my plan.

Minimize. There should have been fireworks or a tympani drum roll, or an excerpt from the “Hallelujah Chorus”. 

Finally, I am in sync with the universe!! I was giddy with anticipation. I celebrated my recent exit from volunteer work, not knowing then, but understanding now that that step was meant to be, but on my terms.

Now, I need to clear my life of burdens; mine and others.  I am discovering that wounds self- inflicted are just as life diminishing as those caused by others.  I am existing, not thriving.  I am in need of detox

My Dad once shared that he would much rather a rescue from me, during a crisis than from my brother.  I found that a compliment (rare from him) at an age when I should have taken college seriously.  I didn’t, not that I couldn’t but just didn’t. My brother did, twice. Anyway, Dad said I could always find my way out of a paper bag.  Funny comparison, but I understood him.

That definition of my life has been consistent. For those of us who must learn lessons through multiple incarnations, I can tell you it’s exhausting and not a favorable mark on the soul’s report card. I have been guardian and fixer of problems my entire life; since childhood, I guess.  I’m good at it, just like the Cliff notes which are an invaluable resource to the student. I adopted it as my own truth and have lived it, have proof of it, and now don’t know what to do with it.

So, the task of minimizing is at hand. I need to unburden my soul and release the pent up energies.  Once the tethers and restraints are gone, music and art (which have always been my companions), very old friends and some new ones, places to run to for momentary sanctuary and places which beckon me to stay will redefine me. I wish I could animate myself into a Renoir painting and just stay there.

Whichever the path to my destiny, my free will shall navigate direction.  Never the destination, always the journey and the beauty of it is that I will eventually discover me.