Sunday, May 29, 2016

Far From Home

That's me.  I feel misplaced.  Wrong place, right time. The familiar is on the other side of the planet, but how could that be? I am disheveled, untethered, free-floating and it's unraveled my core.  I am because I exist, but the identity I have been given is false.  I know this.

I'm so tired of the infomercials which interrupt my occasional television viewing.  "Just click on the leaf and blah, blah, blah".

So where do the rest of us "click"? I am thinking.  Same feeling washes over me seeing those programs which document the lives of persons searching for biological relations; birth parents, birth children and such. It's a constant message: One is defined by family.  Really?

I was filling the need of someone else. That last statement is my truth as explained by my intuitive guide.  My soul in suspended animation until it was called to complete the lives of others.  How did it turn out?  Sill determining the results even tho my "parents" are long dead.

Where do I go from here, now that I am no longer part of the original scheme?

I think England.

For years upon decades, people have commented that I am too formal.  My grammar is a dead giveaway that I ain't from around here (here being America's Gulf Coast).  Even when I lived in the midwest, I would elicit uninvited criticisms on my choices of words.

There's no available research as to genetic predisposition and I can testify that my adoptive parents did not encourage this formality within the child they were raising.

The journey will commence in seven weeks.  I am going with my kid. She's formal, too.  She has a great interest in all things Celtic. This passion has not been purposely nurtured; it just exists. She is going- to discover.  I am going to-reunite; with what or whom is yet to be uncovered.

Now that my life is so unfocused and seemingly fraying at the seams, the timing is paramount.  Maybe new vitality will surface to give my life purpose.  It's rather tiring to just exist in a shell of comfort and predictability.

Knowing that my identity may collide with the unfamiliar is rather invigorating. The planning is in process and I am getting that uncomfortable feeling, in my gut, that my efforts will not be in vain and that all the planning and detail work will be met with enlightenment.  I'm too old to get butterflies in my stomach but they're there!

I wonder if I am coexisting with another self; string theory on a very personal level. How do I separate the reality from perception? How do I shed the labels and falsehoods of living a borrowed life without the risk of losing the memories which sustain me? Who do I think I am?  I think I am someone else.

I could subject my pride to a saliva test and be glad that I already knew my genetic makeup. I know from whence my people originated.  I just have no way of finding out who my people were.  Go back far enough and I know I was one in a troupe of apes at the beginning of a long evolutionary process.

Don't need to travel that segment of my timeline.  I just want to know how I got to be who others assume me to be.  Why is my true identity undiscoverable?  Court records are sealed, borrowed relations are dead and the story stops.

And then maybe it doesn't.  The real me could be just on the wrong side of the pond.





Leaving

 "Happiness doesn't reside in possessions; it resides in the soul."
The quote is partial as it was the concluding sentence in my recent horoscope. Apparently, my immediate goal is to explore the metaphysical.  Actually, I have been on this quest for several years now, but not inspired enough to quiet myself and listen to the universe.  Maybe it's time.

Sometimes wisdom can be found in the obscure place.  This sporadic influence and reality check enters my life more as a curiosity than a dogma. I am of the "what's your sign" generation and still find comfort in the knowledge that I a part of a much bigger picture.  Now that Steven Hawking has defined the black hole as a portal and his vision suggests that whomsoever enters one will find their way through although completely unrecognizable on the other side.  To one who relies on the general premise of proof and will not under any circumstance allow a belief system to provide answers, Mr. Hawking is my hero.

How do I continue to that plane of the metaphysical which parallels my life? On and off again research, coupled with the advice of those already in sync with the universe, I would be wise to learn to meditate.  I have a confession,  I find that scenario difficult.

I don't think I could learn to quiet my thoughts, exist in the moment and allay all that gives momentum to my existence.  I've seen the movie "Eat, Pray, Love" numerous times and know that the Julia Roberts character is eerily familiar.

I need discipline and I need to remove myself from the familiar me. So, this is my plan.

I will seek me from a different perspective. I will connect with the universal energy which sustains me.

Then…

I will stop asking why.

From there…

I will learn to breathe and let the dusting go for another day.

Eventually, I will find my center and with no apologies, redirect my energies to experience joy on all its levels.  I may leave you for a while.

And in my absence, your life's path will come upon a fork in the road. Choose the path which will bring you peace. Proceed with wild abandon and if you find yourself in memory of us together, I will be there.