Intangible

I watched the smallest of my remaining three root through the fibers of a freshly vacuumed rug.
She was intense and hopeful. There are no visible remains on the one week anniversary of
her passing.

My fault and I feel it painfully and deeply in spaces without definition.  I am emptier.
Wearing the immense sadness like a familiar robe is little comfort; The imagined garment hangs
unwashed in the closet-waiting; I will wear it again and again.

I told the vet that I should invent an air freshener and call it "old dog".  I don't want a "new puppy"
aroma therapy. I want to inhale her-just as she was in my arms that final morning.

A companion animal's passing is prefaced by night terrors.  Those exhausting non sleep moments
that tune you into the possibility of silence and when peace does not come, the tears do. And the guilt.

When nothing replaces something, grief visits upon the heart and sometimes it stays.
The layers of sadness permeate the waking hours and lay me down in restless, weary darkness. I am comfortable here where the familiar agony keeps me company. I remember each one. It's like some
malignant reward for having loved them.

Cumulative damage will eventually weaken my intentions and I will die alone; and in that final moment-a memory for those I leave behind.

Unveiling

Fog, mist and haze obscure the starkness of life.  They color the foreground we must navigate when on the uncertain path and I am grateful.

The tenderness of a gentle approach appeals to me.  I don't like neon anything; I much prefer an unveiling; sometimes the allure of several layers gives me time to consider my approach. The artist in me, the painter and poet- in me - the do over in me is strong. Sometimes so overpowering, it is if
I am being redirected.

When time was a critical component in my daily life, the quickness of changing proverbial hats was
a survival tactic.  Role playing and fitting in was habit-a sacred ritual; all for the resolution of
not being alone. Looking back over the last 60 years, I find I was in denial, for a solitary existence
would have empowered me.  I am now empowered and I am not alone, I choose the path of resistance because I am no longer afraid-afraid of being different.  I am not who you think I am. I am not who I think I am. It has been my truth from the beginning of my evolution.

Here I am, the latest version of myself.  The journey is never ending  The hamster wheel is on automatic. The energy which sustains me does not falter.  I am ready.

Choices are paramount only when considering my physical demise.  My journey has been determined. My mind is de cluttered, as much as is voluntarily possible. Universal voices are echoing around and through me. I just need to pause and listen.

As the path is a continuum, any hesitancy is wasted effort. Low visibility is balanced by perseverance. Perseverance is tethered to trust. Trust is its own reward.

Insight and intuition are useful tools when the horizon is vague. Enlightenment will come.
I've made it this far.

Blocked

THE connection I have been waiting upon has not occurred.  I don't know where the short is, but I suspect it is on my end.  I have never been proficient with which end the energy source originates.  I just don't care how things work.

Months of anticipation and travel arrangements, confirmations and emails resulted in NOTHING.
Weather settled over the desert and the astronomer canceled. "Unusual clouds and moderate winds
crept into my scheduled visit.  BLOCKED!

So I decided to leave the area in favor of higher altitudes; drove two hours back over switchbacks and 2,000 feet elevation. Booked a bed and breakfast and crossed my fingers.  I kept the curtains open and gazed every fifteen minutes until half-past hoot owl and NOTHING.

I am resolved to continue connecting with the stars.  In my mind, the journey will begin with a little education.  Astronomy piques my attention.  No dissection or botanical/ animal collection necessary.
A telescope would be helpful.  An astronomer would be more helpful.

In the meantime...

Cosmos fill my unlearned mind.  Planets, moons, and stars; it's not the universe of my childhood.
Discoveries can hardly be cataloged due to the sheer quantity, the learning is at warp speed and the smartest man in the world just died.  I know this and I don't understand physics.

I am reading, at a leisurely pace, articles that address the possibility of extra terrestrial life. My interest is specific to star seeds, Indigos, Nordics and the multiverse which yields them.  It's a truth-a comfortable fit and the proverbial final piece of the puzzle. Digesting this truth creates conflict. Conflict fuels loyalty and I am walking the fine line. How does destiny confirm existence?

Maybe the blockage is simply a screen that requires repositioning.  Maybe it's a veil and I will peek though it and gaze at the reason I am here.

I simply have to open myself to possibilities and cross my fingers that clear skies will prevail.

Tipping the Scales

I'm hedging a bet that my life experience will culminate in a revelation.  The diversity of my choices,
and circumstances might have led me in a number of different directions, but here I am.

I am prepared for nothing and I am excited.  This is a vastly challenging existence- this unpreparedness. It is trusting the unknown and undefinable. It is trusting beyond the horizon and it's
moments away.  I feel it.

Next month, I will view the near universe through a telescope. The cosmos will come into focus.  I will come into focus and the connection will be life-changing.  I feel it.

Too many years, I have lived disconnected from my life, although I didn't know it until recently.  Now that my understanding of purpose has been fine-tuned, I wonder why the great reveal has been delayed. I wonder what has been missing.

The human condition is dependent, but is it a co-dependency? This is an open-ended question given the continuing discoveries and connectivity to all things past and future.  We may never solve
the reason for our existence, but I know we will resolve to explore all possibilities.  The intelligence
of the universe is patiently waiting and monitoring.

Time is a factor. Destiny is a factor. The two are converging and I can not continue on the familiar path. Shadows have obscured who I was.  The people who forged my childhood are dead and I have discarded the sweet memories as they no longer serve me. I am not tied to who I used to be. Validation for the purpose of a headstone is a wasted effort.  In the grand plan, there is nothing that distinguishes an individual from the masses.  We are still evolving.

I am the intersection on my own life's map. Which direction I will navigate is not up to me. But
I'm betting that the pivotal moment of my future is weighted heavily on my eagerness to connect
to possibilities beyond my understanding.  I believe that the totality of moments that define
my soul, on this remarkable journey is about to experience inconceivable joy.  I just feel it.

Touch

Her touch was upon me again, from beyond the grave.  My grandmother's touch, gently caressing the top of my hand as if her intention was to preserve that moment in time between us.

The memory came upon me, today, as a whispered guide to that same hand upon my old dog.  Vision is mostly lost upon her fifteen years. She navigates by shadows and sound. My touch is her connection to the past and it calms her unsteady footsteps.

Some people are made for radio.  Not Grandma.  Her hands wove the spoken fabric. I can see her
actively talking.  I can see her in quiet contemplation; hands folded on the apron which she wore to protect the dress underneath. Grandma's best stories were the ones when she embraced me. I could feel the words as she spoke. Her belly would swell just before the funny part; her shoulders would raise in anticipation of a mystery and her hands accentuated every sentence.  Palms would upturn if there were secrets, fingers would clasp when all was well and the story had a happy ending. I learned my story telling from her.

It was challenging for her to multi task. Driving was always fraught with a potential fender bender because her hands kept talking.  Baking was constantly interrupted as she stopped to re read the hand written recipes and then exclaim "oh, goodness" with hands raised when she realized a mistake in the measurements.

Today, she speaks to me. Her words upon the breeze and I am once again in her embrace. The old
dog -calm in my lap and dreaming of stories of her own.

Second Chances

My tempo is in conflict with the rest of my life. Here I am, at present, going about my days
unencumbered by past life obligations, no schedule, and infrequent short term goals to monitor
my existence.

Is this floating between purpose and reality where I need to be? Is there justification for seemingly
wasted opportunities?

I can only observe from one side.  The flip side is hidden. It seems unfair that I am cut loose from all that is familiar and just left dangling.

But, dangling I am. Last time I gazed beneath me, there was an untamed river, chiseling its path toward the sea.  Now there is too much calm, no turbulence and I am afraid the water will become stagnant and with no purpose-evaporate. I do not want to evaporate. Although eventually, I will be absorbed into the cosmos.  The particles of stardust will reunite and my soul will travel through wormholes toward oblivion.  Or, maybe not.

I am a spiritual being having a human experience. This knowledge has arrived late in the game.
Had I known my truth as a younger being, I would have made different choices and the rhythm
of my life could have been- no should have been- much less predictable.

Yet, here I am; predictably mimicking generations before.  I have become who THEY needed me to be but I have a second chance and I am going to take it.  Knowledge is power, unremarkable as that may seem, but it is also dangerous when balanced against a waning internal clock. It becomes
a risk.

Justification may be defined in terms of a life invested in well...living. The ballast is one's foundation
is necessary for a steady ascension. One must have experience in order to weigh options. Otherwise,
 life becomes meaningless.

Being in favor of mapping my remaining experiences longitudinally on the map rather than horizontally is my new goal. Up is the new me. Willingness and fortitude, patience and unquestioning devotion to universal wisdom will break the rigidness.  I will fall softly on new
ground.

In the meantime, dangling gives me hope.

Knowing Where to Begin

"Not all who wander are lost".   Hmmm.  That fits. Those words pop up along walkways and church signs and on cardboard placards the homeless wave at the cars rushing by.

I am not one who falls in one category or another.  I am an amalgam; a puzzle which until just now,

had no solution.

All my life, I have pushed the boundaries....believing that there was always a Paul Harvey option: "The rest of the story".  I have been a disgruntled being.; searching for the polarity of existence.

I am awakening on my life's parallel plane where I have been comatose.  It's an interesting

process to be sure. I have existed on this plane at this predestined venture and now my purpose

is transformational and expansive. I am no longer in denial.

This acknowledgment or validation has come to me through indirect messages.  My
journey through transformational ascension will take a concerted effort and a cleansing purge
of my soul.  But where to begin?

Trust- that's my biggest challenge.  Trust of self; confidence of that intuition which has guided me safely to this point. This time, however, there's a rip in the safety net.  That being the familiarity
of who I was.

I like conclusions. They're final-once the research has ended it's either yes or no, go or stay. Beginning again is always an option and perfect for one who can't seem to hold interest very long.
Being optimistic, I prefer short term goals.  The outlay of energy is greater and designed as a catalyst
for a quick resolution.  I know "quick" is a relative term.  I haven't been comfortable with open-ended
scenarios.  My pattern has been: problem plus plan equals solution.

My problem is: "x" equals plan.

And here we are back to the trust issue. I do not have faith.  I have Truth. They're not mutually
compatible. I do not have trust. I have intuition and I don't have any point of reference as to whether
or not the imbalance will defeat or incite my participation.

How do I justify the gentle bombardment of new people suddenly in my life's path? Where is the tether which keeps tugging at me and keeping my head above water?

Where does a sudden desire to abandon my life come from?  Perhaps it comes in a dream or a whisper; perhaps in a split-second glimpse of the stars above.   The reality is that it sits in my gut-waiting.
I wake up with it and take it with me as I wander; trying to maintain control.

Making uninformed decisions leaves me scattered; remnants of me clutter my brain.  Getting clear, defogging my vision is my intended starting point.

Today, I placed a telephone call to a Buddhist monk.  I am hopeful his meditation practices will relieve me of my muddle headedness.  Maybe with practice, that feeling in my gut will relocate to
my heart and I will become open to possibilities.

Trusting that he will return my call,  I can begin to relax a little. Trusting that I will know what to do with the information is an entirely different matter, but I must begin somewhere.