Change
In my pre waking hours, I had an internal debate. Debates get my blood circulating and my senses heighten in the chance the winning team needs reinforcements. This morning's discussion is timely.
A simple topic - change.
Just to give my teams an advantage, I looked up the vast listing of synonyms. Each word shaved off a little edge, softened the keyword. In my authorly world, there is no accidental match of a noun to a verb. The exercise is precise and at times aggravatingly so.
The very generic word "change", allows for interpretation. I need to be cautious in its use for there is power behind it. And that power is overshadowing my journey. One step, balance, second step, pause has become the rhythm of my life. Didn't use to be; I could run and never reach a goal. My life was all in good fun. Sprinting to nowhere, in particular, was enticing, life-affirming, frightening and
left me wanting for more.
Change - I don't feel used up, exactly, just cautious. No more bounding out of bed (metaphorically) and filling my moments with multi-tasking shit.
Change - I now shop in the universal metaphysical version of the hardware store. My archaic toolset
is useless. The skills, so carefully honed over sixty years are obsolete.
Change - Hours pass and I am not in control. There is a new cadence and it is strong. Passivity is necessary for focus.
Change - What defined me no longer serves me. Remnants leave cavernous spaces in my life's
hope chest. I do not need to restock. I am enough.
Change - Trust is necessary. Fear is dark and I am of the light. The universe does not exist in the subtlety of Payne's grey spectrum. Creation is only cast in a momentary shadow. My path is fully lit and even if I stumble, the sting of failure can not scar me. I am because I was destined to be.
Change - I am here at the perfect moment. There is little preparation ahead. The awareness of the soul
allows me to ascend and to be that which transitions the question of "who am I" to "I am".
Stagnation - Nope; just destiny.
Thursday, July 18, 2019
Monday, July 15, 2019
Puzzle Master
Puzzle Master
Now that my heart has been opened to accepting messages, I am tasked to complete my life puzzle.
Challenge is that I am between lives. I barely have time to consider where I have been as a point of reference let alone deciphering what I am about at the moment.
Found out I had a Cherokee spirit guide in a past life. That alone was an astonishing revelation. Someday I hope to uncover the past life me who benefited by his guidance. Spirit guides are one of the most exciting discoveries of late.
I am in training along this metaphysical walk. The first hurdle is trust followed by the establishment
of routine. I have to give my 63-year-old self pep talks. Knowing what to do is the easy part,
practicing is well...quite the challenge.
My Life Coach laid it all out for me: Awaken - focus on something I love. Meditate. Write.
As a published poet/author, step three is where I get to exhale. I'm stuck looking up at the high bar.
With pole in hand, I back up and inhale. But before I step out. I stop.
I need a space with tools. Talking myself into this routine interrupting practice is being met
with much resistance - mostly from the negative energy I reside in. Learning how to protect myself
is beginning to evolve. Learning how to live aside chaos rather than immerse myself in the vortex
takes so much concentration, I am afraid I will have nothing left for sustenance.
What to do?
Step one - set physical boundaries. Establish a "me space" - a safety zone.
Step two - light a candle, chant, protect, listen to guided meditations
Step three - trust
Step four - focus
Step five - tune in and allow.
Wish me luck.
Now that my heart has been opened to accepting messages, I am tasked to complete my life puzzle.
Challenge is that I am between lives. I barely have time to consider where I have been as a point of reference let alone deciphering what I am about at the moment.
Found out I had a Cherokee spirit guide in a past life. That alone was an astonishing revelation. Someday I hope to uncover the past life me who benefited by his guidance. Spirit guides are one of the most exciting discoveries of late.
I am in training along this metaphysical walk. The first hurdle is trust followed by the establishment
of routine. I have to give my 63-year-old self pep talks. Knowing what to do is the easy part,
practicing is well...quite the challenge.
My Life Coach laid it all out for me: Awaken - focus on something I love. Meditate. Write.
As a published poet/author, step three is where I get to exhale. I'm stuck looking up at the high bar.
With pole in hand, I back up and inhale. But before I step out. I stop.
I need a space with tools. Talking myself into this routine interrupting practice is being met
with much resistance - mostly from the negative energy I reside in. Learning how to protect myself
is beginning to evolve. Learning how to live aside chaos rather than immerse myself in the vortex
takes so much concentration, I am afraid I will have nothing left for sustenance.
What to do?
Step one - set physical boundaries. Establish a "me space" - a safety zone.
Step two - light a candle, chant, protect, listen to guided meditations
Step three - trust
Step four - focus
Step five - tune in and allow.
Wish me luck.
Tuesday, July 9, 2019
Endings
My world is encased in opposites. I came to this realization, not of my own accord, in the office of a psychiatrist maybe twenty-five years ago.
Moodiness and inexplicable extreme behavior quickly led to the diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. That diagnosis led to the quick fix drugs of the day.
Not too many months into drug therapy, I quit taking the prescriptions. Right then and there, I knew that loss of control, to any degree, was not going to happen to me! There would be no termination (ending, if you prefer), in order to begin a more socially acceptable version of myself.
Years of boxing with myself in the ring of reality, I began to accept that I was different. I knew instinctively, that taking off the mask would jeopardize relationships. Being raised by ultra-conservative parents, my immediate task was to lie and I became pretty good at it.
I was a closet Bipolar. Knowing that my husband's career depended, in part, on the perceived stability of our marriage, I kept to the straight and expected narrow path of a military spouse.
Private moments, when he was on remote duty, were liberating. I could be who I was, both of me. The year he was living on Guam, I celebrated daily with two toddlers in tow.
Family visits were always hellish, especially because I had the role of social chairwoman. Always playing nicely with the relatives... ending my reality and beginning theirs. You may not understand the tremendous effort involved here. It was and continues to be a pseudo-suicide.
The quick love affair I had with my first published book, "Bipolarity", is now the visible bridge between my worlds. It is an offering of my gratitude to universal wisdom. I am inherently conscious of all my thoughts and their role in my interplay on this momentary journey in time.
Endings are not possible now, interruptions- maybe. Life, for me, is a continuum. I am part of the mass, just cosmic dust in between travels-the never-ending gift of living between extremes.
Sunday, July 7, 2019
A Personal Archeology
A Personal Archeology
The thought of my remains (if I choose to leave them) being a repository of other life forms is intriguing. To be interred and archived, to be rediscovered and analyzed is seemingly appropriate.
Curiosity does not define a species but rather the evolutionary process of said species. Right?
So here lays my body in tandem with the other me's. I have become nutrient-rich soil and the new me is wriggling up into the light. That's one hell of a wake-up call.
But it's possible.
It's preferential treatment of one so in tune with nature. When the human life form ceases functionality why not encourage a new beginning? The art of storytelling could be oh, so much more
enriched. The blending together of reality and fantasy. Of course not knowing what exactly my relations will wiggle themselves into as they greet the light makes the whole spectrum kind of magical.
To want to experience that which is unfamiliar is the polar opposite of playing it safe. Who wants to transition into what didn't work the first time? If the lesson was a failure, why would the universe
guide the soul to repeat the process? Surely, the lesson wasn't that important in the first place. I'm in favor of finite attempts at anything. Perfection is unattainable. Why not try something new?
Really, the evolutionary process is always forward-moving. Yes, I laugh at the comic strip of Darwin's Theory in reverse; ape into man into ape again. We, as a society, have limited hope for the inevitable.
We think that age and wisdom stalls only to revert into child-like mentality. I don't believe it's that simple. What if the aging process is a preparatory step which will eventually bridge the gap to who we really are?
I think about these open-ended questions all the time. It is the latent scientist in me. Having ascended into the fourth dimension of late, I am grasping to stay there. My purpose is to enlighten. I can do that once the chaos of living in three dimensions dissipates. I can do that once I let loose that which no longer serves me. I can do that knowing that everything in this universe is fluid and I am carried in the gentle current of time, which is eternal.
The thought of my remains (if I choose to leave them) being a repository of other life forms is intriguing. To be interred and archived, to be rediscovered and analyzed is seemingly appropriate.
Curiosity does not define a species but rather the evolutionary process of said species. Right?
So here lays my body in tandem with the other me's. I have become nutrient-rich soil and the new me is wriggling up into the light. That's one hell of a wake-up call.
But it's possible.
It's preferential treatment of one so in tune with nature. When the human life form ceases functionality why not encourage a new beginning? The art of storytelling could be oh, so much more
enriched. The blending together of reality and fantasy. Of course not knowing what exactly my relations will wiggle themselves into as they greet the light makes the whole spectrum kind of magical.
To want to experience that which is unfamiliar is the polar opposite of playing it safe. Who wants to transition into what didn't work the first time? If the lesson was a failure, why would the universe
guide the soul to repeat the process? Surely, the lesson wasn't that important in the first place. I'm in favor of finite attempts at anything. Perfection is unattainable. Why not try something new?
Really, the evolutionary process is always forward-moving. Yes, I laugh at the comic strip of Darwin's Theory in reverse; ape into man into ape again. We, as a society, have limited hope for the inevitable.
We think that age and wisdom stalls only to revert into child-like mentality. I don't believe it's that simple. What if the aging process is a preparatory step which will eventually bridge the gap to who we really are?
I think about these open-ended questions all the time. It is the latent scientist in me. Having ascended into the fourth dimension of late, I am grasping to stay there. My purpose is to enlighten. I can do that once the chaos of living in three dimensions dissipates. I can do that once I let loose that which no longer serves me. I can do that knowing that everything in this universe is fluid and I am carried in the gentle current of time, which is eternal.
Friday, June 21, 2019
Release
Release
There is inherent danger under my skin and I am conflicted. Knowing full well its release will scar me with an emptiness (the likes I have yet to experience), I am reluctant. The inside of me has multiplied into razor sharp facets. I am not who I was.
Redefining my journey has changed my historical perspective of me. Memories have shape shifted
to fit the mature adult. Childhood memories have been reworked and replayed within the arena of
experience. I better understand the part I played as I am no longer burdened by the innocence of youth.
Am I ready to acknowledge that I dreamt too deeply and too desperately? Shall I let go of the
affirmation that I lived a life designed by others; to complete their dreams? If this is my truth and
the release of it destroys my earthly shackles, where shall I go? But then, where have I been?
All I do know is that I am tired - and it's taking a toll and I'm running out of quarters. Understanding that this state of being is manifesting itself in both my dreams and consciousness,
makes me fearful.
Change is coming. My spirit animal totems present themselves and I am fully aware they are here.
My guides have prepared these days for an awakening. I am not in control. The lesson is choice. The choice is discernment.
I don't even know myself well enough to risk letting go. I can't be finished.
Perhaps I'll just bleed out; allowing the blood to erode and soften the sharp angles. Perhaps emptiness
will not scar me after all.
There is inherent danger under my skin and I am conflicted. Knowing full well its release will scar me with an emptiness (the likes I have yet to experience), I am reluctant. The inside of me has multiplied into razor sharp facets. I am not who I was.
Redefining my journey has changed my historical perspective of me. Memories have shape shifted
to fit the mature adult. Childhood memories have been reworked and replayed within the arena of
experience. I better understand the part I played as I am no longer burdened by the innocence of youth.
Am I ready to acknowledge that I dreamt too deeply and too desperately? Shall I let go of the
affirmation that I lived a life designed by others; to complete their dreams? If this is my truth and
the release of it destroys my earthly shackles, where shall I go? But then, where have I been?
All I do know is that I am tired - and it's taking a toll and I'm running out of quarters. Understanding that this state of being is manifesting itself in both my dreams and consciousness,
makes me fearful.
Change is coming. My spirit animal totems present themselves and I am fully aware they are here.
My guides have prepared these days for an awakening. I am not in control. The lesson is choice. The choice is discernment.
I don't even know myself well enough to risk letting go. I can't be finished.
Perhaps I'll just bleed out; allowing the blood to erode and soften the sharp angles. Perhaps emptiness
will not scar me after all.
Friday, June 14, 2019
Hall of Mirrors
Hall of Mirrors
I pass them and gaze - accepting the reality of what I see. This is a learned pattern and of late, I believe it to be destructive; the outside is packaging. The inside is me - the dark and mushy, the wet and stretchy parts of my body where light does not penetrate.
To have a reflection, there must be refraction. There must be a light source. We've all played with
mirrors, we see our images multiplied and distorted. Sometimes the distortions are enhanced by the flawed surfaces we rely on for autoplay and instant gratification. Being caught up in the momentary
selfie is validation. We are here. The experience is real. Maybe the crack is not in the glass but rather
in our soul searching.
I often wonder why and by whom we are told to look at the reflection. We are being indoctrinated into a belief that what others assume about us is true...after all "just look!"
Preferring to step back far enough where the other me is out of focus, I begin to believe that I am still evolving. Who but I can judge progress? Who but I can affirm that the packaging is nothing more than a disguise? The lesser animals I share my planet with are startled to see multiples of themselves. They believe the reflection will animate and join them or perhaps devour them.
In works of fiction, mirrors foretold and provided safe havens for the paranormal. Poor Alice fell through hers and journeyed through a parallel world.
In my own journey, the mirrors are route markers. When I pause and rest, they offer options. I stand and gaze at where I have been. My life accumulates one moment at a time. If I break one, the journey is redefined and I must carefully consider the truth that my whole is nothing but the seamless piecing together of shards. I shall never realize my final shape - I'm in flux.
Mirrors are also my shield. I use them against you when your energy is unwanted. I allow you to gaze at yourself and if you like what you see, you're welcome to it. If not, please turn and leave. I wish you safe travels.
I may stop gazing for a while. There is no need to impress either you or me. There is no need to measure my worth by its packaging. I am a continuation - an anthropomorphic edition of myself. Perfection is a myth. I am the seed of stardust and infinitely beautiful.
I pass them and gaze - accepting the reality of what I see. This is a learned pattern and of late, I believe it to be destructive; the outside is packaging. The inside is me - the dark and mushy, the wet and stretchy parts of my body where light does not penetrate.
To have a reflection, there must be refraction. There must be a light source. We've all played with
mirrors, we see our images multiplied and distorted. Sometimes the distortions are enhanced by the flawed surfaces we rely on for autoplay and instant gratification. Being caught up in the momentary
selfie is validation. We are here. The experience is real. Maybe the crack is not in the glass but rather
in our soul searching.
I often wonder why and by whom we are told to look at the reflection. We are being indoctrinated into a belief that what others assume about us is true...after all "just look!"
Preferring to step back far enough where the other me is out of focus, I begin to believe that I am still evolving. Who but I can judge progress? Who but I can affirm that the packaging is nothing more than a disguise? The lesser animals I share my planet with are startled to see multiples of themselves. They believe the reflection will animate and join them or perhaps devour them.
In works of fiction, mirrors foretold and provided safe havens for the paranormal. Poor Alice fell through hers and journeyed through a parallel world.
In my own journey, the mirrors are route markers. When I pause and rest, they offer options. I stand and gaze at where I have been. My life accumulates one moment at a time. If I break one, the journey is redefined and I must carefully consider the truth that my whole is nothing but the seamless piecing together of shards. I shall never realize my final shape - I'm in flux.
Mirrors are also my shield. I use them against you when your energy is unwanted. I allow you to gaze at yourself and if you like what you see, you're welcome to it. If not, please turn and leave. I wish you safe travels.
I may stop gazing for a while. There is no need to impress either you or me. There is no need to measure my worth by its packaging. I am a continuation - an anthropomorphic edition of myself. Perfection is a myth. I am the seed of stardust and infinitely beautiful.
Wednesday, June 5, 2019
Another Place, Another Time
Another Place, Another Time
I have changed. Looking at my reflection, it's not evident. I have shifted. Listening to my voice,
you will not notice. There has been an infusion of energy; a quiet disruptive shock wave which knocked me off my pedestal.
There is a difference between change and flexibility. I have always been flexible. It's a pattern
of survival in my lifestyle. Military families adapt. Being able to pick up and move, resettle and blend in and repeat becomes the norm. Once separation or retirement interrupts the pattern, some cycles
of habitual living remain. It is the burden I live every day. Having devoted years to perpetual interruption, I am uncomfortable with predictability. I embrace change, or so I thought.
Seated in the blue under-stuffed easy chair, I knew what was coming, but I didn't know what to expect. Across from me was my life coach, who with a soft voice and reassuring smile, began the dialog to my awareness. "Close your eyes," she began. For the next hour, she guided me through my inward journey.
I was warm, safe and willing. Meeting my soul's incarnation in a place and time only history books reveal was comforting to me. I was not surprised to be there. Truth is never surprising. Truth is
validation.
Refreshed from my subconscious travels, the conversation between us was deeply engrained
in a comparison of life lessons. What did I learn then? How do I use that truth to change my circumstances? Can I complete the lesson and ready myself for ascension?
There was no fog upon awakening, but there was a steely calmness which masked my personality.
I was focused and braced for conflict...a deeply mind-altering conflict. The result of which presented itself as a migraine. One so forceful, that I was unable to control it.
The next day, in a short text with my coach, I was told that my body found the whole process hard. It was a first journey. Sometimes virgin exploration can overwhelm. Today is the third day in a new mindset. I am on less shaky emotional ground. I feel fortified and no longer need the armor of another's perception.
As I have said numerous times before: I am. The universe is teaching me and I am its perpetual student-whether in this lifetime or the next.
I have changed. Looking at my reflection, it's not evident. I have shifted. Listening to my voice,
you will not notice. There has been an infusion of energy; a quiet disruptive shock wave which knocked me off my pedestal.
There is a difference between change and flexibility. I have always been flexible. It's a pattern
of survival in my lifestyle. Military families adapt. Being able to pick up and move, resettle and blend in and repeat becomes the norm. Once separation or retirement interrupts the pattern, some cycles
of habitual living remain. It is the burden I live every day. Having devoted years to perpetual interruption, I am uncomfortable with predictability. I embrace change, or so I thought.
Seated in the blue under-stuffed easy chair, I knew what was coming, but I didn't know what to expect. Across from me was my life coach, who with a soft voice and reassuring smile, began the dialog to my awareness. "Close your eyes," she began. For the next hour, she guided me through my inward journey.
I was warm, safe and willing. Meeting my soul's incarnation in a place and time only history books reveal was comforting to me. I was not surprised to be there. Truth is never surprising. Truth is
validation.
Refreshed from my subconscious travels, the conversation between us was deeply engrained
in a comparison of life lessons. What did I learn then? How do I use that truth to change my circumstances? Can I complete the lesson and ready myself for ascension?
There was no fog upon awakening, but there was a steely calmness which masked my personality.
I was focused and braced for conflict...a deeply mind-altering conflict. The result of which presented itself as a migraine. One so forceful, that I was unable to control it.
The next day, in a short text with my coach, I was told that my body found the whole process hard. It was a first journey. Sometimes virgin exploration can overwhelm. Today is the third day in a new mindset. I am on less shaky emotional ground. I feel fortified and no longer need the armor of another's perception.
As I have said numerous times before: I am. The universe is teaching me and I am its perpetual student-whether in this lifetime or the next.
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