Semantics

The Universe will communicate if you listen and do not anticipate timing as the key element of your messages.

In my journey, I am in flux as most are of my age. I find that I am in that category of the sandwich generation, waiting for the inevitable…children to leave with half my garage in boxes and the in-laws deciding their next move.

So while I muddle around, the current popular topic in conversations I have with myself is escape.  Runaway, leave, skedaddle, vamoose. 

To prepare for this, I must redefine and let go. No big deal, I tell myself.  I can do this in stages.  Formulate a plan, execute the plan, and congratulate me on the job well done.

In a roundabout and unexpected way, I received the first green light yesterday.

I was deep in retail therapy before joining my bestest friend, Diana for lunch.

Having just half an hour of free time, I parked at the mall and went in for nothing in particular, but as the minutes ticked by, I realized I needed bras and jeans.

Found jeans in a lovely dove gray and two of the other.  I was concentrating on cup size, color didn’t matter as I never buy panties to match. My shopping spree did not break my allowance, I felt energized and hurried to the restaurant.

Nice long lunch, where she shared that she found her purpose. It came to her in a dream Valentine’s Day weekend. She had read an article in a magazine about flower farming.  The details of her passion flowed and entertained the duration of our ninety minutes together.  She was radiant.  I was jealous.

The rest of my day was just awful. The message center “blew up” on the dashboard on the way home…said “anti- lock, service engine soon”. I had a cell phone in hand and called my service center and asked for a definition.  I was told there COULD BE A PROBLEM, COME RIGHT IN.

I was in the waiting area with keys in hand within ten minutes of my frantic call.

I was in the waiting area without my keys for the next 4 hours.  Stupid ass car.

The message center did not repeat for the mechanic even after 20 minutes of driving hooked to a computer. But they did find two problems, which if not attended, would leave the car unmovable for the duration of the lien against it.  I was offered five bucks, almost took him up on it.

Well, about dinner thirty, I pulled into the driveway.  Too tired to rumble through the fridge, I invited family out to dinner.  I was certain, that the car would make it to the restaurant…$800 in repair was as good a guarantee as I could ascertain.

Dinner was lovely, “Lobsterfest” and wine proved a much-needed distraction from the eternal afternoon seated in a room with strangers and car parts.

Home again, I started to put the new clothes away and that, of course, entails removing price tags, labels, etc. “Minimizer” the word caught my attention.  On one hand, I gloated over the fact that I had grown curvy enough to necessitate such a garment.  On the other, it was the single command I needed to begin my plan.

Minimize. There should have been fireworks or a tympani drum roll, or an excerpt from the “Hallelujah Chorus”. 

Finally, I am in sync with the universe!! I was giddy with anticipation. I celebrated my recent exit from volunteer work, not knowing then, but understanding now that that step was meant to be, but on my terms.

Now, I need to clear my life of burdens; mine and others.  I am discovering that wounds self- inflicted are just as life diminishing as those caused by others.  I am existing, not thriving.  I am in need of detox

My Dad once shared that he would much rather a rescue from me, during a crisis than from my brother.  I found that a compliment (rare from him) at an age when I should have taken college seriously.  I didn’t, not that I couldn’t but just didn’t. My brother did, twice. Anyway, Dad said I could always find my way out of a paper bag.  Funny comparison, but I understood him.

That definition of my life has been consistent. For those of us who must learn lessons through multiple incarnations, I can tell you it’s exhausting and not a favorable mark on the soul’s report card. I have been guardian and fixer of problems my entire life; since childhood, I guess.  I’m good at it, just like the Cliff notes which are an invaluable resource to the student. I adopted it as my own truth and have lived it, have proof of it, and now don’t know what to do with it.

So, the task of minimizing is at hand. I need to unburden my soul and release the pent up energies.  Once the tethers and restraints are gone, music and art (which have always been my companions), very old friends and some new ones, places to run to for momentary sanctuary and places which beckon me to stay will redefine me. I wish I could animate myself into a Renoir painting and just stay there.

Whichever the path to my destiny, my free will shall navigate direction.  Never the destination, always the journey and the beauty of it is that I will eventually discover me.