Intangible

I watched the smallest of my remaining three root through the fibers of a freshly vacuumed rug.
She was intense and hopeful. There are no visible remains on the one week anniversary of
her passing.

My fault and I feel it painfully and deeply in spaces without definition.  I am emptier.
Wearing the immense sadness like a familiar robe is little comfort; The imagined garment hangs
unwashed in the closet-waiting; I will wear it again and again.

I told the vet that I should invent an air freshener and call it "old dog".  I don't want a "new puppy"
aroma therapy. I want to inhale her-just as she was in my arms that final morning.

A companion animal's passing is prefaced by night terrors.  Those exhausting non sleep moments
that tune you into the possibility of silence and when peace does not come, the tears do. And the guilt.

When nothing replaces something, grief visits upon the heart and sometimes it stays.
The layers of sadness permeate the waking hours and lay me down in restless, weary darkness. I am comfortable here where the familiar agony keeps me company. I remember each one. It's like some
malignant reward for having loved them.

Cumulative damage will eventually weaken my intentions and I will die alone; and in that final moment-a memory for those I leave behind.

Unveiling

Fog, mist and haze obscure the starkness of life.  They color the foreground we must navigate when on the uncertain path and I am grateful.

The tenderness of a gentle approach appeals to me.  I don't like neon anything; I much prefer an unveiling; sometimes the allure of several layers gives me time to consider my approach. The artist in me, the painter and poet- in me - the do over in me is strong. Sometimes so overpowering, it is if
I am being redirected.

When time was a critical component in my daily life, the quickness of changing proverbial hats was
a survival tactic.  Role playing and fitting in was habit-a sacred ritual; all for the resolution of
not being alone. Looking back over the last 60 years, I find I was in denial, for a solitary existence
would have empowered me.  I am now empowered and I am not alone, I choose the path of resistance because I am no longer afraid-afraid of being different.  I am not who you think I am. I am not who I think I am. It has been my truth from the beginning of my evolution.

Here I am, the latest version of myself.  The journey is never ending  The hamster wheel is on automatic. The energy which sustains me does not falter.  I am ready.

Choices are paramount only when considering my physical demise.  My journey has been determined. My mind is de cluttered, as much as is voluntarily possible. Universal voices are echoing around and through me. I just need to pause and listen.

As the path is a continuum, any hesitancy is wasted effort. Low visibility is balanced by perseverance. Perseverance is tethered to trust. Trust is its own reward.

Insight and intuition are useful tools when the horizon is vague. Enlightenment will come.
I've made it this far.