Soul Train

I can't believe it.  It's quickly and undeniably approaching…my 60th.  I can almost begin the countdown and I'm not afraid. Used to be, but not now.

Thankfully the train hasn't pulled into that final station yet and I can pull the brake cord if I panic and need to take just one more side trip; maybe two more. Seems that I've been taking a lot of unscheduled
diversions of late. Just got back from one and planning another.  Under pressure to make up for lost time?

If memory serves me correctly, my time has been well spent. Whatever itinerary I've been following, time was not a factor. Well, leisure time was not a factor and that accounts for the inexplicable misplacement of six decades.  You'd think that the planning and execution of my life's purpose would have included some serious downtime.  Exactly WHEN did I catch my breath or am I still running on the original deep intake of oxygen? I sure could use a boost of that "second wind".

I am in a perpetual introspective state of mind.  My mother's journals are the source of my quietness.
Yesterday, I read her final entry.  She screamed, "let me die, the pain is too much"…I signed the release".  This last glimpse into her life was penned in early November 1987.  The remaining pages of her annual daily planner were blank.  I assume she just put down the pen and waited. It was a short wait, for she passed the18th of January 1988.

I was married that spring. That should have been the catalyst of a new beginning, but that new chapter was burdened by grief. That grief is still part of who I am.

I want a do-over.  Problem is that my web of relationships would have to accompany me and there are some I don't want to repeat.  Know what I mean?

Here I sit, wondering about my choices leading up to this pivotal moment.  I will be a senior citizen, not quite at the threshold of social security, but the world will look upon me with different eyes.  How will my vision be?

Most likely, still nearsighted.  That's a gift of genetics.  Let me rephrase:  How will my soul see things?

As the train navigates and winds through my life's landscape, there's a chance it could be derailed.
I am not in the conductor's seat, just a passenger fulfilling what the universe promises.  The whistle blows, the wheels turn, the tracks pass by at high speed, leaving me breathless and unprepared for
the next station; the next one and the one after that.  It's not a round trip, there's no stamp "return" on my ticket.

Do I have any say in my destination? The last time I checked, my opinion hadn't been solicited.
There's some internal force directing the route.  There's no time table for reference.

Optimism and capriciousness are my strengths.  I'm sure that there are counterweights because I stand pretty much middle ground.  I am balanced like the "Weebles" I played with as a child.  Knock me down, I stand back up.  Push me aside and I whirl around and return to a standing and solid position.

I learned that the ability to balance lends itself to occasional confrontations. I have battle scars. You'll not be able to discern where they are or how many I own. Resilience is my shield. I just keep on keeping on and my soul train carries me to my eventual reincarnation.  I hope it's just as amazing around the next bend.