The New Normal

Yesterday, I got a glimpse of my future and it looks a lot like the present day of the much older lady, in perm rods two stations down from me, at the local college of beauty.

The last month has been a constant daily out of body experience; desperately trying to reinvent my self in readiness for a family reunion. The internal conversation, in my head,  has been dominated by the two strongest voices ego and denial. I can't remember when either appeared in that cerebral conference room but I'm guessing that ego has been in residence much longer.

I don't follow theological dogma; couldn't recite the ten commandments but I do have a basic understanding of the golden rule and try to pay every kindness forward.  My ego would be in agreement with that last statement. Living with intent…to put another"s needs ahead of mine has been the fuel which directs my feet as soon as they hit the floor.

My outer self has been neglected recently and that's no one's fault.  Life just gets busy. Competition for a glimpse in the bathroom or hallway mirrors is now between the under 25 crowd in my house.  I don't know, for certain, if the cats or dogs participate in this ritual.  They might, given I'm always cleaning every reflective surface in their wing of the house. Furthermore, I don't need to check myself in a mirror as much these days, the clothes are hung in coordinated pairings and shoes are mostly neutral so they go with everything.

My wardrobe is functional; I don't seem to mind.  My focus is on the task at hand rather than my appearance completing said task.  I am who you see and that was working very well until...

I realized I needed a vacation; on my own terms, by myself and I chose to go home. So I called my brother and invited myself to stay a week. Then I thought, well, I'll be within a couple hundred miles of my in laws, so why not extend a couple of days and include a visit with them.

That's all I could dream about a month ago.  All the details soon fell into play and now I'm just days from going.

I'm excited to go, my imaginary suitcase is packed and I just realized that my relatives remember what I used to look like.  The last vision they had was at my father's funeral and the tearful goodbye at the airport.  I was all in black, eyes red and teary, no makeup and exhausted having to take the red eye back.  My husband and children did not accompany me.  Didn't want them to. It was a very private affair.  I had just seen Dad two weeks earlier in his hospital bed and knew then that he was not long for this world.

Well, fast forward, as I stated earlier life gets busy. I have so many things to tell everyone.  A week's stay hardly seems time enough to share a decade's worth of living.

Re introductions, swapping stories and hurried memory making will all pass in the blink of an eye.  There will be photographs taken at inopportune moments and now my ego is waning and denial has me in a panic. I really don't look like this…DO I?

I had my bff on speed dial and sent her a message that I was en route to have my hair done. "Did she think a new style would be flattering"?  I followed that question with a personal observation:  I am so vain. Her reply: " You are normal".  Since when? lol " Well, there are aspects of you that are normal and I'm always surprised to see them".

My "denial" voice interrupts to inform me that my veneer has been penetrated. That the truth of the matter is I long for a change; something to get excited about, something to get me out of the comfortable rut I have been living in.  Well a family reunion might just be the incentive I need.

Okay, I'm normal. Hoping that her definition was not "free of mental deficiency" and rather, "conformity to a standard" or "usual", I began to relax. Nothing to be in a panic over.
It's just nerves. Silly really. I'm unchanged where it counts but just in case, my new hair do and an occasional glance in the mirror will help me celebrate the new normal me.