Self Reunion

I'm experiencing a strange emotion.  You'd think at my age there would be few unexpected mind versus heart conflicts, but I can't help feeling I'm in the wrong place at the right time.

Loss is not temporary.  It lies deep within the soul and is triggered when revisiting the places where ghosts hold the key to unlock memories.

Memories come quickly, all at once. There is scarcely time to breathe between them…and then they're gone and I am left depleted and unrecognizable. I am changed.

I knew that my visit home would be a balancing act. An opportunity existed and the timing was perfect.
"Me time" was all I could think about.  I needed it, I deserved it.

When reunited with my brother at the airport, I just burst into tears and knew something was about to
redefine who I was and the person I would become.  Just knew it, couldn't explain it and didn't make any attempt to avoid it.

I have been holding my breath apparently.  Last time I remember purposeful breathing was at Dad's funeral.  I had to remain composed and give the eulogy.  I had to remain calm and ensure all the attendees were comfortable, fed and properly thanked.

Life changed then for the second time.  Mom died eight years prior.  I was exhausted following her death and looking back, never really stepped out of the grief.

I retraced the paths to all the highlights of my younger years. Sometimes the paths had been untouched by time. It was joyful.  Other times, there was no tangible evidence of my ever having been there.  It was disbelief.  How could parts of my life disappear?  I felt betrayed.

I do not embrace change. I am in an uncomfortable evolution; living a parallel life with my memories. I exist on one plane and my truth exists on the other.  How do I combine my selves and stop the competition?

The answer is the 40th parallel; that imaginary line runs east and west in the city of my youth.  I grew up quarter-mile south of it.  Guess the real me never really left for I found myself still lingering there in the virgin prairie meadows at the base of the Rocky Mountains. I heard the morning song of the Western Meadowlark. Well, my heart heard them for they are extinct in my home town now.

I don't understand why my soul remained without the outer shell. Have I been living a lie?

I am not sure.

Walking hand in hand with my former self, I wondered what I was thinking of leaving such a beautiful place.  Who's hand dealt the cards? Who's the responsible one? Me? Choices and consequences...that would be my guess.  I'll leave the choices (formerly presented) part to the universe,..to that continuation of my soul's journey.  The consequences?  Well, that's undetermined.

I am not easily victimized, must be that capricious nature I was gifted. So perhaps lessons learned will tilt the scale in my favour.

The reunion with family presented an opportunity to learn and appreciate those who had been estranged from me for such a long pause.  The new memories danced around old ones and helped to solidify my longing to return there. This was not a sentimental journey.  It was the catalyst for my survival...on my terms.

The emotions which I had suppressed burst through the layers of years of living elsewhere. I had lunch with myself in the same place I had taken Dad to celebrate his birthday.  Sat in the same place and ordered the same meal.  I cried in my salad.  I visited an art gallery and stood reverent at the base of original art which spoke to me of the pristine beauty of the solitary Aspen tree.

The conversations, laughter, and tears shared with loved ones, filled me to capacity; so much so, that I could not eat.  Had I had the presence of mind and no fear of possible embarrassment, I would have spun myself in the middle of some field with arms stretched wide singing the theme song from The Sound of Music...the Hills are Alive with the Sound of Music,,tra la la.

I left me there again for life does not wait upon dreams.  I have obligations and situations which must be resolved before my final reunion.

That day is coming.  I am telling you now just in case you turn around and I'm not here.  I'll leave a map and if you knew me at all, you'll not be in need of directions.