Finding My Tribe

I'm going tribal; rather I am committed to going tribal;  I am unsure just how, but I think I am going tribal. Confused?  Me, too.

My life choices have me living well enough in a serene and safe location and yet I am out of sync with those around me.  I've tried to belong here.  Circumstances have predicated that I make a concerted effort to raise my family here with all the benefits of clean living coastal style.

Well, I've done a bang-up job.  Kids are mostly on their own journeys and have had independent mindsets for years.  They're prepared.

I'm not.  All I feel is a longing to be elsewhere. My soul is restless and tired.  The me I am is not who I am destined to be.  I know this. The message from far beyond the rainbow has been delivered in triplicate now. There is a unified voice which speaks at every reading…I am stuck.  My soul is creative but repressed, partly out of fear, partly out of ignorance and partly out of the loss of control.

How did I lose control over me?  The answer would be that I gave it away. Gave it away to make room for other's needs.  Survival.  As a single woman, came dating and marriage. As a married woman, came parenting, post parenting back to marriage and perhaps in the event, my husband dies first,  I will navigate life on my own again.

I don't want to wait for any eventuality.  The identity crisis is now.

This wanderlust desperation is cumulative.  It has been shelved and second-guessed for quite a long time; perhaps approaching one-third of my existence in this present reincarnation.

I have had clues all along.  Having lived half my life in one place and living the other half packing and unpacking to support my husband's naval career, raise children, work and volunteer, I want to just settle.  And I want to settle where I belong.  My heart knows the place; it's familiar.

Having just returned from a short reunion in that place, I realized that my identity lies within its geographical boundaries.  My beginning is my destiny.  The place where I grew up is waiting for me to return.

I have been itinerant, displaced but grateful for the challenges along the way. Each person, whether chosen by or for me, has been gifted by the universe in order to teach and guide me.  I am the product of an enormous collaborative effort and I like who I am.

I will continue to like who I am becoming; I have no self-doubt. In the meantime...

It has been suggested that I find a new "tribe" (for lack of a better noun) and that was not my word of choice. It belonged to my intuitive. Seated in her private office, I was receiving my annual reading and no surprise, my guides were harping on my seeming predicament of being an unwitting prisoner of my present circumstances.  That's a very descriptive way of saying "what's stopping you?"

The conversation had been innocent enough, just why was I happiest elsewhere?  And, why was I happiest elsewhere by myself? My response to her direct question was "anonymity". Okay then, I wanted to be a blank canvas and experience life with no prejudice. Sounds healthy.

She said "They are bringing up Shirley Valentine. It was a movie, I think in the '80s. It's who you are now.  Maybe you can stream it or order it through Amazon." I ordered it.  They were right.

She was lost, I am lost. She was used up. I am approaching empty. She took a chance and found joy.
I know where my joy is.  Sometimes a step back is necessary in order to forge ahead. Sometimes the best place to get to know yourself is where it all began.

I'm not searching for a new tribe. There's no need...There's no place like home.