Permission to Fire Myself

This should be interesting. I’m sure that I’ve never done this.  Had it done for me, yes, (several times) but never in the first person kind of way.  Wonder if it’s akin to the “Father, Son AND Holy Ghost” thought process.  I am about to find out.

Just hours ago, I was introduced to myself. My psychic advisor had one message: “It’s time to play”.

Huh? I mean, what?”…At MY age?

My one hour with her revealed my hidden agenda. Only I didn’t realize that I had a hidden agenda.  It’s been the same routine with the same outcome for more than 50 years.  I have lived within the restraints of family dynamics.  That’s what I was meant to do.  But I am about to convene my committee of one for a job review which promises to be unlike any in my life.

I have been a “yes man” to multiple generations within my family tree. I have been dutiful, helpful, reliable and trustworthy.  Never garnered a badge acknowledging such accomplishments (not a girl scout), but within my family, and various social circles, I was always sought out because I had those endearing qualities:  “I could”, “I can”, “I will” and NOW apparently, “I did”.

I have entered the twilight zone of my present day self. I am about to commit change. Yeah, I know, living in a rut; a good rut, a rut of complete authority over my domain.  I like it up here. I scrapped and fought my way to the top and I can’t imagine leaving. My Capricornian nature will resist this overthrow. Me versus myself. Is it a win-win?

Further revealed in this pleasant one sided conversation were glimpses of lost childhood.  Never taking the time to mourn the loss, never considered that we- me, myself and I (my own personal trilogy) were separated at such a tender age.  We were delegated into roles of parallel existence.  Daughter, grand-daughter and sister coexisted until the physical deaths of parents and grandparent. Further division was necessary to accommodate wife and mother in ensuing years.

In this job review, I’ve been extraordinarily busy and exceptionally astute within the limitations of each duty. Played a role, I was informed.

Never introduced to the play write, so I guess I made it up as I went along. For some reason, my part(s) in the performances were born of necessity-someone else’s necessity.

Why now? Am I not needed now? Surely not. So here goes:

I AM FIRED. I am no longer responsible for the outcomes of others.  I may continue to acknowledge their struggles and successes, but I am no longer in charge.

I have acres of toys, games and puzzles to go through.  I have silly songs to sing and sidewalks, decorated with chalked hopscotch, to meander down. I have bubbles to blow and rainbows to count.  I have starry nights to discover and bedtime stories to read.

The sign on the door does not read “gone fishing”.  Rather- “Hide and Seek-Tag, You’re It”!